Ok so let’s admit it since social media came into play we have all gone in and had a look at an ex, RIGHT!

I work with people that have obsessions, I myself have them but they don’t destroy me they enhance my life, it’s quite normal to have them.

BUT when they have toppled over into self-destructive behaviours, that have ultimately led to self-destruction and let me tell you this is real for many, they can render you in a state of complete and utter chaos.

Many people often use social media to go in and have a look at what’s going on with other people in the world, they would use it to keep in touch with friends family and current loved ones, SOCIAL the key word here, BUT when social changes from fun to heartache what do you do?

I get it, as a counsellor I believe I’ve heard it all,  my role is to help bring calm to the table and help undo patterns and create less harmful behaviour.

To create a different behaviour you have to acknowledge what you are doing is in the room so to speak, as it can quickly become something you just do, and a habit can be formed that becomes a part of you.

Addictions start in this way, we look to ease something with something else, and we get good at feeding ourselves what we need until one day that thing we have been feeding ourselves becomes our “NORM” it has us by the short and curlies, and we can no longer live without “it.”

So back to checking in on your ex; let me tell you; this is totally normal BUT can extremely harmful to your own mental health. The problem with social media is that we only put our best, happiest and brightest moments up for the world to see. THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE SEEING! We are particularly susceptible to harm of this effect when we are in a “shit” place emotionally because we get an incredibly skewed perspective that everyone else is ‘so much happier and more together’. We very rarely put up how sad destroyed or lonely our lives are. When you see pictures of your ex living THE life, you should have been living with them, OR they are way too happy, and you are not, it leaves you feeling even worse.

Here are my top three reasons why you may be in this space right now.

You may feel unhappy in your love life;

If you are currently single or feel unsatisfied in your current relationship, your subconscious mind will be looking to fill the loneliness with someone or something that gave you comfort in the past. It’s a really normal place to go hunting for comfort, even if you would never go back to your ex, it won’t stop your subconscious making up dream scenarios that cause you to dream backward. Whenever we are unhappy in our life, our subconscious mind will show us a time when things were easier, love filled or charged with passion.

Your Ex has tried to contact you;

You may be in a perfectly happy relationship with the love of your life and suddenly, out of the blue, your ex contacts you. Why did your ex contact you? Probably because they are single right now and looking to stir up the pot in other relationships. An ex who contacts you out of the blue, is likely going to show up in your dreams because your mind will be racing with a million questions like, “Does this person still like me? Why are they contacting me? This takes you directly to this time so it will start to enter your mind while you are sleeping and have down time, you walk the corridors of your mind and open the door BAM there it is. We have a HUGE storage system in our minds.

OMG BACK UP THE TRUCK…. eyes closed eyes open there they are ALL THE TIME!!!

HOW to stop;

Remove your EX from your social media;

The longer you keep your ex on your Facebook feed, the more you will see new pictures of them. This will only reinforce the old memories that you had together. If you want to stop dreaming about your ex you need to get rid of them on your social media.

Accept you weren’t meant to be;

The worst thing you can ever do after you break up with someone is to hold on to hope that you will get back together. It is important to accept that the relationship is over and you need to move on. Holding on to old hope and feelings can play havoc with your subconscious mind. When you learn to accept your past and move on to the future, you will start to see things from a different perspective. It’s about acknowledging it all and giving it a place to rest. Try writing a letter of “Mind break up” download all of your thoughts and feelings then burn the letter, let it go, you then have a track to remind yourself that you no longer think of them in that “attached” way.

Try to send it to the OLD filing cabinet in your head.


The worst thing you can do if you have a dream about an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend is to get caught up in the dream. The best way to stop dreaming about an ex is to accept the dream and move on. Don’t wake up and dwell on your dream for a long time.If you focus too much on your dream, it can cause recurring dreams about your ex. This will then cause a lot of heartaches as you wonder what you should do. Remember that dreaming about an ex is an extremely common dream. Everyone who has been in a serious relationship will dream about that person at some point in their life.

We have all been here at some point in our lives, even me, recently I came across an old boyfriend I haven’t seen in what felt like a lifetime, 28 years to be exact, he was one of the good guys, or that’s the tag I gave him when I filed him away in my mind. Unfortunately, I wasn’t ready for a good guy back then, he was protective, kind, funny an absolute load of fun and fiercely full of heart.

Our minds are incredible machines and our life programs them with what we know, what happens and where we want to go.

The battle is to not go into “make believe” as our mind collides with what was real and what we WANTED to be real.

It’s ok and you will survive this.

The trick is to look at what is really happening for you NOW as these behaviours manifest from something else. Don’t be afraid to explore and go hunting, making sense of things is what we humans turn ourselves inside out to do, try to lay it to rest and decide to let it go.




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