Here I am at 2 am writing dreaming creating.
No, I’m not completely crazy just incredibly driven.
As I lay next to my husband listening to him breathe, I cast my mind back to a time when I would lay awake at night terrified of the dark terrified to breathe too loud.
I don’t think I honestly slept for a few years after what was possibly the most terrifying time in my life; it was the beginning of it all.
I was eight years old.
However, while I’m here in this frame of mind at 2 am it makes for a perfect time to write what I feel, so I’ve decided to get up and do just that.
Rise & Roar goes on tour, I’ve actually been saying this for a few years now, so this is no new news to me, it’s just a natural place I’m stepping into. I genuinely believe we are what we tell ourselves we are and once we can unlock that way of thinking the ANYTHING is possible,
I’ve just driven hours to spend the night with a man that is greater than any man I’ve ever known he’s not just my king he’s like this immovable guard, a knight even; that has stood watch over me for 25 years.
That sounds rather romantic doesn’t it, it feels kinda great to say, BUT
that hasn’t been without its great battles let me tell you, in fact, that is exactly where I’m up to in my writing, so it is here at this ungodly hour that I will be for the next 2-3 hours.
I decided I liked to write, so I started, and I just haven’t stopped, it’s been a few years now, and I find it to be a perfect place to settle my mind and rest my soul.
These days I have no desire to be anybody else but myself, and if I were to describe who that is I’d have to say ‘fucking fierce,’ haha I’m pretty sure I love the woman I am and have definitely carved her from the ashes of life.
There are many times throughout my life I should not have lived, in fact, there are many times throughout my life I actually begged to die.
I have had some of this life’s greatest pains, and wear the scars, they run deep, and I used to call them ALL forward in times when I felt the need to ‘beat the shit’ out of myself. These days I call them all forward and lock and load them as my greatest power, they are an energy I use when I’m going into any battle.
I believe I am here for a reason and let me tell you that used to weird me out to even think it.
I used to think I was kept alive over and over because I was being punished, I was life’s joke, and that is how I lived for many years.
Many that know me know that my children are the greatest loves of my life they are the reason I pulled myself from the depths of life’s gutter and learned to be my most powerful self.
I believe I’m an honourable woman and when I make a promise, you can be assured I’ll go down in battle trying to keep it.
When my first baby girl came into the world, I whispered softly in her ear as I held her close, you are my greatest and deepest love; you will never know the life I have lived I promise to get up and be all I can.
When my second daughter came along it was the same feeling I held her close and whispered in her tiny ear; you will always feel my love no matter what happens, I will protect you and be there for all the days that I have breath in me.
When I met my third daughter I instantly connected at a soul level, I didn’t give birth to this courageous young woman, but she is every bit my daughter as if I did. What I felt when she looked into my eyes was indescribable and moved me as I’d never been moved, I was well into my own journey and embedded in a career that I knew was my place. I knew the minute I saw her she was family perhaps from another life who knows but she is the glue that makes up complete as a family.
I have worked hard on my rebuild the reconnection, the resurrection of self over the years and let me tell you it has been one mighty fine journey.
I have two chapters of my life, and they both contain the good the bad and the ugly.
I’ve laughed hysterically cried deeply, but I’ve never once wanted to give up on myself through the second chapter BECAUSE my promise to my girls was binding for me and I take it incredibly seriously.
I don’ t know whether I’ve been the best mum, haha my girls would possibly say not, at times, but I’ve been there and refused to budge.
So as I sit here in the middle of the night as I have done many a night writing and calling forward good and bad memories the one thing I keep coming back to is I was meant to be in this life; I had to have been.
Over the last two weeks, I’ve done some great work in a room with people that are hell-bent on not living because the pain of living is too much to bear, this is my zone of work, and I feel electric, alive and at my strongest when I’m in this space.
I’m often asked why, and I reply ‘because sitting in the flames of life is where I was born.’
This is my purpose my work my ‘meant to be’ place in life, helping people travel the hallways of their minds, the pain of their body as those memories haunt and worm their way through all of them, I understand it and although it’s theirs and not mine I recognise it.
There is a saying I just adore, and it represents me very well
‘Some women are built by the fire, and some are burned by it…’
I decided long ago that ONE fateful night as I lay there after being beaten begging for life’s floor to hell open up and take me, the screaming in my head saying ‘I’ve lived a life of great pain, and I can’t find a way to move past it anymore’.
I was exhausted my body weary my mind was broken, as I lay there I could hear the deep sobbing of a broken woman who was 20.
She somehow got up and started moving; it was only when she unexpectedly met a man and was gifted her children that she knew the real meaning of life and learned to live to lean in to break the mold and take on the world.
RISE & ROAR is a homecoming like no other, and I am ready to speak to it.
It’s now 2.42, and I still have much to write, so I best get back to it.